A couple entries from my baby's blog.

the last tears
"why can't i stop?" i was asking myself that question when it came to an end. i kept thinking of him and crying... not knowing whether or not it had all been worth it.

we were in bed. i was lying back to the wall, front facing him. i was wondering what was going through his head. i had no way of communicating with him because we both were hurting and disconnected. it would be a waiting game to see if he would say anything. i knew i was losing him so i loosened my grip on our relationship. he had the advantage, if he wanted he could simply walk away from the relationship. i wasn't as fortunate, depending on his decision i could be alone by the time the sun rose. i would know when he spoke. his voice was beginning to become audible. my mind began to translate to my heart what was going on. as i released the last bit of hope for us i began to close my eyes. it was easy. i must have been smiling like a sad clown with a painted face, but i managed to hold the tears in. i was considerably damaged and quite drained by what lay next to me. his name was craig and he was saying "good bye."

i signed on to AIM and saw that he was sending me a message... it was my boyfriend from union city. apparently he was breaking up with me. ergh, i never had that happen to me before so i had to calm myself. i was reading his messages and i was devastated to read, "i don't think it's working out." right on the screen... why would he say that? i looked at his messages and thought more to myself... this has to be some kind of joke. this guy is one of the greatest guys i'd ever met. and man... one of the first people that i believed i loved... he at least still has some feelings for me. that made it more unbelievable for me. so i replied to him, "i'm sorry." from there crumbled that first wish.

so the question still pestered me... "why can't i stop?" i knew what i should have done, but i didn't know if that's really what i wanted to do... a lot of tears means nothing. it could have been one or thousand. who knows what he might think if he knew i had done so much crying... "he's got too much baggage," "i probably should give him another chance," "way too dramatic," "i don't ever want to see him again." so as the thought of the end of our relationship continued to dwell itself in my conscious, i expressed outwardly that it probably had been a bad idea from the start. in his own words, "pain is the world saying you didn't learn the first time." (by the way, i really didn't get it the first time he broke up with me) so i sat alone on my bed without anymore tears to cry. hmm, it would have been a happier story if i learned the first time around. so i guess the question is now... "what was i thinking?"

-lan



the first kiss
"should i do it?" i was asking myself that question when we first met. i kept looking at him and smiling... not knowing whether or not i had been making a good impression.

we met at the mall. i was standing outside of the theatres wondering if he was really going to show up. i had no way of calling him because we both didn't have mobile phones at the time. it would be a waiting game to see if he really would be there. i knew his friends would accompany him so i widened my eyes to every passing group. he had the advantage, if he didn't like what he saw he could simply continue to walk on with his friends. i was alone, depending on his reaction i could be alone that whole day. we would see when we met. a group began to approach me. i began to get nervous, clutching my bag in one hand and holding my other hand over my eyes to shade the sun from my face, i tried to look directly at him. it was difficult. i must have been squinting like an owl in sunlight, but i managed to get a good look at him. i was pleasantly surprised and quite excited at what stood before me. his name was craig and he was saying "hello."

i opened my message box on downelink and saw someone had replied to my profile... it was some guy from union city. apparently i was cute. hahaha, i rarely got that so i had to reply. i was reading his profile and i was astonished to read, "i'm sure no one would notice me." right on his page... why would he say that? i looked at his pictures and thought more to myself... this has to be some kind of joke. this guy is one of the cutest guys i'd ever seen. and man... one of the first people to openly put it out that he thought i was attractive... he's at least got some courage to approach a guy. that made him even more attractive to me. so i replied to him, "i noticed." from there launched a thousand conversations, a thousand smiles, and a thousand wishes.

so the question still fiddled in my head.... "should i do it?" i knew what he wanted me to do, but i didn't know if that's really what i should do. i mean... a first kiss means a lot. it could be make it or break it for us. who knows what he might think of me after a kiss... "he's a great kisser," "oh his breath stinks," "way too much tongue," "i want to kiss this guy for the rest of my life." so as the thought continued to nurture itself in my conscious, i expressed outwardly that it probably would be a bad idea. in my own words, "it's like a pandora's box, sometimes it's just more than what you might expect." (by the way, i'm sure this guy was getting pretty used to my analogies for everything) so we sat on my couch and put on donnie darko. hmm, it would have been an interesting movie if we had watched it. so i guess the question was now... "what did he think?"

-lan